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My Story: Messages in the Models
by David Woodward
It is late 1989. To this point I had spent most of my adult time and energy focused on being "successful." I was like one of those animals on a pet store treadmill, except I was a "Super Hamster." I was a hamster on steroids, running hard and fast but not getting anywhere. Maybe you know someone like that?
At the time I was the sales representative for a Texas building contractor, working in the Washington, DC area. I was working 6-7 days a week and 10 to 14 hours a day. You may know what that’s like. But one Friday I decided to take the weekend off.
That Saturday morning, I woke up to the realization that had no idea what to do. Here I was in the capital of the free world, Washington, DC, a tourist Mecca, and I had no idea what to do for fun. Not a clue!!! The reality was I had no LIFE and certainly wasn’t having any fun. Yes, I wanted to make money and live a "productive" life. The sad part was I had forgotten the "life" part.
This realization lead me to remember that if I wanted to have fun in my life, I needed to know what fun was. Fun just doesn't show up!
This was the beginning of my new model approach to “FUN.”
The model that poses the question,
“What is Fun for you?”
So I decided it was time to reevaluate my priorities. Six months later I moved out of my $1,000.00 a month apartment and into the basement of a house I shared. I started saving money and searching for ideas to start my own business, because that’s what I thought I had always wanted to do.
For my 33rd birthday in 1991, at the strong suggestion of my older landlord, I reluctantly enrolled into some personal growth and development programs. But I went committed to figuring out what it was that I wanted to do with my life. Over the next 6 months I took about every program they had. But in those prophetic words of Mick Jagger "you can't always get what you want, but we get what we need”… that’s the way it was for me.
Part of what I experienced was a level of acceptance, acknowledgement, and appreciation from a group of total strangers, based purely on who I was as a person, just me, David. Not as a ‘salesperson,’ or a ‘Project Manager’ or as anything else that I could “do” for somebody. Being me as they experienced me was plenty. Now maybe this is a common event for you, but this was a completely new experience for me. In the process;
"I learned some things about myself that I don't know if
or when...I ever would have learned."
I came to realize that for most of my previous 33 years, my self-worth and identity was firmly and completely attached to what I did, who I knew, what I could do, and what I had... you know “success.” I had very little awareness of who I was as a person, on the inside. So I began to investigate this further and took more programs, read new and mind opening books. I was in total self-discovery mode.
It was at this point that I saw the power of self-discovery programs when delivered in an honoring and well-intentioned way. But then came an opportunity to learn even more.
Move to April 1, 1992, the irony is not lost here, I was reintroduced to the concepts of “economic recession” and “unemployment.” My company was closing the office I managed and I was out of a job. But I had saved some money and decided I would take the summer off. And that's what I did. It turned out that those 3 months turned into 6, then 9, and eventually into an 18 month sabbatical that ultimately lasted 3 years. If you have ever thought about taking a sabbatical… just do it.
“My sabbatical was one of the most valuable things I have ever done,
just for me"
But here’s the important part. As I gave up my responsibility for others, and stopped doing what I thought other people wanted me to do, I began to open up. In the place of the "what do I want to do" question, a new and more powerful question came to surface; Who are you, really?" Of course I had no clear answer for that question either, but, it was clear that it was most important that I find one. So, discovering who I am became the driving focus of my self-exploration and discovery over the course of these next few years.
In this period of openness, I began to question my own perspectives, ideas, feelings and beliefs about what was important, valuable and worthy of having and being a part of my life. I read about and assessed other belief systems and dove into myself to see what was in my heart.
I did things that I never would have done before in the hopes of revealing something that was waiting to be discovered. I practiced or tried yoga, meditation, breath-work, I continued with psychotherapy and I journalled. I learned to sail and I traveled. I joined groups that discussed personal and interpersonal relationship development. I joined a men's group to share with other men what I was discovering and to hear them share as well. And I began to become aware of those ideas, beliefs, behaviors and patterns of mine that had been in the way of me fully expressing my inner truth and allowing others to be and get close. And I began to rediscover the core of who I am, what and who was important, and why.
I was getting closer... but my savings began to fade and to extend this opportunity time, I worked jobs that I never would have that of before, just to keep some money coming in and the gates of awareness open. I sold fragrances as a fragrance promoter, I was an extra in a movie with Julia Roberts, and I did food-catering/service work with people who did this full time or as second or third jobs. I let my hair grow, gave up wearing a watch, watched my diet very carefully and exercised to keep in shape. I did whatever I could/would allow myself to make sure it all sank in.
In this process of allowing myself to be open, available and receptive, new insights, concepts and perspectives began to arise. New patterns and questions arose to challenge my previous answers. Over time as I tried them on, practiced and shared them with my friends and discussion groups, I developed some new approaches about developing personal awareness, personal and professional balance. I began to develop a new holistic perspective and model approaches to love, personal power, interpersonal communication, relationships and the process of change itself. All with the idea of reshaping my self-image and how I dealt with and engaged with people.
It seemed that in what I was reading and experiencing there wasn’t something as clear as what I was seeing. There was talk about getting results and symptoms but no actual models to guide people through the process. So over time these concepts turned into models, speeches, workshops, programs, and products that I now share with motivated people to be, do have and enjoy more of what they want and work with organizational leaders to build their visions.
I joined Toastmasters International where I practiced and explored the material. I began presenting other peoples' programs. I co-facilitated cultural diversity programs in Federal Agencies. I facilitated the development of a mission and vision statement for a division of the National Institutes of Health. I created and facilitated an organizational structure review for a different department of that same division. And I created, marketed and delivered my own personal growth program now titled "Building Blocks of Work Life Mastery" or "Being You and Loving It" depending on the goals.
But late in the summer of 1996, I came to that proverbial “fork in the road.” My money ran out, my car broke down and I had a big decision to make and thought I only had two options. I had already given up on a third option, a consulting proposal that I began working on in the winter of 1995. The fundamental principles of the owner of the company fit perfectly with my new models, but the client was not ready.
Option 1: I could get a regular job and I had two job offers. I could work at a big retail department store selling fragrances or I could sell someone else's motivational and consulting programs.
Option 2: I could continue to “struggle” and pursue doing what I really wanted to do, which was deliver the messages in these models and programs.
So, on the eve of accepting one of these two jobs I did what every good consultant would tell you to do, I made my checklist of pros and cons of the options, and I decided that I couldn’t decide. So I decided to sleep on it and see how I felt in the morning.
That next morning I woke up to the realization that I just couldn’t go back to work for anyone else. And, if I had to “struggle,” to do what I really wanted to do -- deliver the messages in these models -- then that's what I would do. But I would have fun doing it.
So on a act of trust and faith, I turned down both the sales jobs and the fragrance job and went home and wondered, “Now what am I going to do?”
Two hours later the phone rang. Sometimes it takes a while for the answer to come. It was that consulting client calling to ask when I could meet to close that consulting proposal -- a $100,000.00+ per year opportunity based on performance! It was a great fit. That was August 1996. We agreed to a nine-month arrangement that eventually lasted over 4 years. The message that came to me this time was:
“I just had to trust myself to do what was the best thing for me,
and I would be all right.”
Now while these elements of my story all relate to one or more of my models of Fun, Power, Balance and Trust, Relationships, Communication and Change, the most important model that I developed during this time is my model approach to love. It's called "The Love Cube," L.O.V.E to the third, which stands for Levels of Value; Experienced, Expressed and Exchanged.
The foundational principle of the The Love Cube is “there is only positive value.” Everything has value, especially when it comes to people. The two major questions that The Love Cube poses are; What is your definition of love and At what levels can and will you experience, express and exchange it?
One of the major issues concerning love in adult relationships is that everyone has their own definition. And we often expect other people to live by our definition. All too often this expectation, based on our unrealized definition is what causes confusion, frustration and disappointment. It’s no surprise that one of life's most important issues, Love, is where we experience the most pain. It doesn't have to be this way.
"Love" is one of the things that everyone wants and actively seeks but really don't have an effective framework or guideline to use to find it. That’s the way it was for me. I was looking for something that I could not identify, much less describe and of course never came that close to having in my life.
And so like me, most people bounce from relationship to relationship in search of love without taking the time to determine what love really is. They think they will recognize it when they see and feel it and wonder why they’re most often disappointed. The good news is there's an easier way.
While I didn't set out to find a definition of love, The Love Cube and the questions it helps pose is one of the most powerful things I discovered. The ultimate lesson for me was that I ultimately had to look for, focus on, and experience my own value. I had to “learn to love myself” in order to love anyone else much less have them love me. I had to learn to accept other people’s love. I had to learn to accept and value others as well.
"A healthy, grwoing and dynamic relationship is the mutual experience of accepting both our own and another person’s value."
So here I am still looking for opportunities to deliver the messages in these models to people and organizations that are looking for new options, pathways and solutions to their growth, development and relationship challenges.
If this story resonates with you please let me know. And if you or someone you know are looking for some effective questions, ideas, models or approaches to help personal, professional or organizational growth please contact me at davidw@bigsteps.com or the # below.
In the mean time, please ask yourself these questions:
- What is your definition of Fun?
- What do you want?
- Who are you, really
- What is your definition of love?
- What can I do to help?
By answering these questions and exchanging our answers with others, not only can we begin to have more fun… but I know we all can and will begin to experience, express, and exchange a lot more love as well.
I look forward to hearing from you or someone you think could benefit from these messages.
Thanks in advance and let’s Go!!!
David Woodward @ 703-560-8150
davidw@bigsteps.com
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Copyright 2001, 2008 David Woodward, All rights reserved
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